manic pixie dream world
Icelandia. and Segue to heaven. When you said we should break up I felt like you pushed me off a cliff and into a boiling geyser. I planned everything around you, I lived my life based around you. The floor beneath me might as well have crumbled. It felt like you pushed me into a volcano. All my flesh melted and separated and everything that once was me was no longer. Everything I planned is gone. All the issues that we worked through together were now issues again, because I didn’t have you to help me deal with them. I don’t think you get it, its all gone. Everything I had is gone. Of course I didn’t say any of that. I said I understood where you were coming from and hoped we can remain cordial in the future. I couldn’t help but think of the future, your future. Would you find someone better than me? I knew I was just temporary. You’ll find someone else who inspires your art and who fucks better than me. Someone who knows themself more than I do. You’ll probably find God in them. Everything that I couldn’t give you will be yours. I wonder if you’ll still be unhappy, if you still will long for escape. Do you think you’ll become someone new with every person you sleep with? Do you think carnal offerings might relieve you of whatever is wrong with you? I don’t know. I just know I’m gonna miss you.
Trans. and Anomolies. You know, I have a habit of focusing on the negative, so before I get into the bad I want to take a breather and tell you about the good the breakup did for me. Did you ever suspect I was trans? I didn’t. I mean I always went on about wanting tits and wishing I could just cut my dick off but hey it was still a surprise. How I came to that conclusion, as well as others, is the bad though. The way you left me led me to question my whole existence. I was utterly lost, I felt distraught I had nowhere to go. I loved you, or at least I felt the closest thing I could feel to love for you. But you just moved on like I was nothing. I had to find out about your new boy toy when I accidentally saw your second phone when I was moving my stuff out. It fucking broke me. I couldn’t stand the thought of being with anyone else because I was so hung up on you and you just fucking left me in the goddamn trash like I was nothing. And then you lied about it. I saw the texts and knew what you were getting ready to do and you lied to my face about it. You chopped me up and threw me in the streets for the fuckin dogs to feast on. Are you finding yourself? Are you satisfied? I really fucking hope not. I don’t think there is anything on this garbage dump of a planet that could warm your icy heart. Loving you is like drawing blood from a stone. I thought you could do something for me that no one was ever able to do. I thought you could love me for who I was. I genuinely thought you did for awhile, but you betrayed me and threw away everything we had built. So yeah, I had to do a lot of soul searching after that. I found out that I’m not who I thought I was, so hey, maybe I betrayed myself by thinking I was someone else.
“You’re being clingy.” Straight to voicemail, great. You know, It’s funny, the passing of time. I try not to think of it too linearly, that gets old rather quickly. Time is a comforting illusion that we but into so that we can pretend to have order. But none of this shit really has order. So when you told me that, “maybe things will work out next time,” I couldn’t help but laugh. I’m not laughing right now though. I’m doing really bad. A storm’s coming and I need shelter. You were the only thing that ever seemed to help me and I feel like everything is falling apart and I’m tearing at my seams and I just really fucking need you right now. Could you just call me back please when you get this? It could be our last call I don’t care I just need to hear you right now. If I’m doing too much we still have our safe word, ‘alright.’ I just need you to tell me it’ll be all right. Please tell me it’ll be alright. Just tell me it’ll be alright. Please call me back when you get this.
Alone. and Awake. I think you misunderstand me a lot. I’m unsure of whether or not that’s on you or if I’m just not good at explaining my thoughts well. I’m beginning to suspect that you just don’t really pay attention to me. While we were apart I worked on myself and I healed, I had hoped that you did too. It doesn’t seem like you’ve changed at all. So instead of letting it drag me down I’m just gonna do what I have to do for me and hope you can find something that can satisfy your needs. But whatever. Do you want to go on a drive? I would say we can walk but its September and its fucking freezing outside. You know, actually do you think I could take the car out, alone? I don’t know why we pretend like we have to do things together when this shit is doomed. It was doomed last time and its doomed this time. You enjoy the icy cold numb grayness of your existence and I just want to soak in color. I remember when things were simple, when it was just me and you in bed playing games that don’t exist. And now you’ve invited me back in, but not because you actually want me. I think you want me to see this palace you’ve created for yourself. This icy stone castle designed specifically to keep me at bay. Well fuck you. You can have your palace I’ll just…live on the moon. Yeah, I’ll live on the moon and watch all our favorite shows in 3D while everything here on Earth goes to shit. I think we’ll both die of the cold. Instead of going off to the moon what if I just went outside, and you came with me. We could huddle together for warmth. That’s a nice thought. I think we’re past that though. I figured myself out and now whatever dream we had has ended. I want to dream again with you but you haven’t woken up from the first one yet. I think you need to be on your own for awhile. I think you want to be alone but you just won’t say it. We’re in this fucking cycle of ripping open wounds the other has and we act like its the most important thing in the world. People are dying and we’re crying over words said. Yelling at each other over miscommunications, jokes that were taken seriously. But it all feels so real and poignant. And then in an instant it doesn’t. And I’m left wondering why I yelled and screamed at you over having sex with someone after we broke. When this started I felt like I could talk to you about anything. Now we have to hop over fences just to tell each other about our days. I think we’re bad for each other. I think you can’t learn what you need to learn with me in the picture. So, this time I’m gonna leave. It doesn’t really matter where I go, I’ll just be happy to actually be a person for once. I want to give you the best chance possible to be who I know you can be. I’m scared as hell, I don’t know what will become of me when I leave. All I know is that you built your palace for a reason, and who am I to tell you how to live. I feel like I’ve been missing all the signs and everyday you’ve just been screaming at me to just fucking go away. I know all you want is to escape, I can help you escape. Just tell me with your own voice that you want to get away from me. Tell me you need to be alone to be awake. I just need to hear you say it. Once you say it you can’t take it back, you have to stay away from me. I need you to be sure.