Okay so a few things before who is reading this reads this. First of all, this is a take on the album Twin Fantasy by Car Seat Headrest. There’s two versions of this album, one from 2011 and one from 2018, and I don't know which one this one takes more from. I don't know what to call this, an excerpt maybe? It’s not the most creative thing I guess, I just wanted a way to get my interpretation of the album out there. I’ve done this with a few other albums, Flowerboy, Iridescence, The Glow Pt. 2, etc. I think this is the one I’m the most proud of so, yeah, I hope this is enjoyable. Oh also every song is a different letter if I didn’t say that already and every time there’s a paragraph change its cause that part of the letter was written at a later date or time. Not by me, by him. Whatever you get it, enjoy.
My BoyIm not sure how to start these. We agreed to send letters but I’ve never really written letters with any thought behind them. I guess I’ll keep the first one simple and sweet: I love you and I miss you, see you soon hopefully. Beach Life-In-DeathOkay take two, I'm just gonna write what I’ve been thinking about today. I’ve been noticing a lot how my fear of others holds me back in a lot of my life. The easiest example is affection. When it's just me and you I can hold you, I can kiss you, I can show you I care. Around others I just freeze up, I overthink every action, and I think it comes off as uncaring. It may not seem like anything to them, but hell they do not even know we’re together, again I know it's my fault. I have to go over what I’m doing in my head over and over again just to make sure I’m not accidentally giving away our secret, but I’m at the point know where I just want to say fuck it and shout that we’re together from the top of my roof. I remember all I did before you were mine, how I cried when you were with someone else, how I changed jobs and even my major just to avoid seeing you with someone who wasn’t me. Now that I have you, I feel closer than ever to losing you. I just want everyone to be okay with it all. We told them once, but played it off as a joke and I just can’t figure out why we do this. This way of living drains me. I thought I would be happy with you. I am happy with you. I’m just not happy with myself. I thought the impossible part was getting you, but it's actually keeping you. I wish this was easy like in all the stories. I wish we were in a movie and right now it was flashing back and forth between me and you right before the climax of the film where we end up happier than ever. Or, I wish you would let me go back to my old habits every now and then. I feel crazy for writing that. I know you hate everything I used to do to myself, I do too, but I dont know what else to do. It’s just hard you know? I don’t want to feel this way.
I want to be there for you but I just end up pushing you away. I don’t have any more ways to fake happiness. We made a safe place for ourselves with each other when we had nowhere else to go, so why do I care so much what others think when you’re all that should matter? I just want some excitement in life, but everyday feels the same. You did so much for me, but it never seemed to make any difference. I loved you, I promise I did, but I could never find a good reason as to why I did. I thought you were gonna leave me a lot. You could have, you could have found someone else who completed you and who you could show off. Or maybe you’d introduce them as a friend, like we did with each other.
I can’t figure out whether or not we were fucked from the start or not. Maybe we went into this whole thing with a messed up idea of what a relationship is. Maybe we can blame all our problems on your parents hating each other or my parents divorcing. Or maybe we can just blame Disney for the fucking stupid idea of love that they put out. I don’t want that to be the case though. I know everyone says that there’s always gonna be someone out there for every person but I want that one special person to be you. I mentioned the safe place that we made for each other earlier. Maybe the word cult would be a better way to describe it. This isn’t something we can just visit and revisit every now and then like some action home, this is something we have to dedicate all of who we are to. I want to do that. And yeah I just compared our relationship to a cult but hey I meant it in a good way. It doesn't matter though I don’t think either of us have the strength to leave any time soon, so we won’t be alone for awhile. You know what sucks? Every time I feel okay I start to miss you again.
Stop Smoking (We Love You)Hey so I don’t want this to come off too controlling, but I thought we agreed that you would quit for good this time? And don’t even try to say you weren’t, I could smell it on the paper. I’m not mad, just worried. You always complain about how awful smoking makes you feel yet you seem to go back to it whenever you get overwhelmed. Actually, thinking about that kinda worries me cause you haven’t mentioned anything about work or school being too much to deal with, so what’s going on? I just want you to be safe, write me back soon please.
Sober To DeathThere’s something to be said for how much it takes to stick with a long distance relationship. All the stupid things we do to feel close to each other, its cute as hell if I'm being honest, I just wish we didn’t have to jump through all these hoops. I know you’re hurting, but the best I can do over here isn’t enough. The distance shouldn’t make it this hard, but it does somehow. But hey, we make it through this and we’ll have one hell of a story, right? This all probably seems a little condescending and it’ll be weird if I don’t address it, so yeah what you said hurt me. I can’t pretend like it didn’t and if I tried to, you wouldn’t believe it. I’m a punching bag sometimes and thats fine by me. It won’t always be like this. It’s funny cause we both know that, and it doesn’t help either of us. It seems like we’ve both turned to shit but hey, neither of us are any worse off than before this relationship. Well, I hope we aren't. Either way, I’ll do whatever it takes to make you happy. I just want to always be there for you when it all crashes down. No matter what happens, I promise that I’ll make sure you never feel alone again. I know you won’t believe that so let me try to make it “more realistic” as you would say. Maybe we don't stay together forever and I can’t always be there for you. If that happens then you’ll find someone else who can be everything you need. I don't want that to happen but if it does you’ll be okay eventually. But then again, maybe, just maybe, we can work through this and stay together, and if that happens I promise from the bottom of my heart, that you and I won’t be alone anymore. Nervous Young InhumansI’m glad you’re enjoying my letters, I was worried you wouldn’t be able to read them to be completely honest. Everything for uni is online so before this I haven’t actually written anything in forever. You should have seen how awful my cursive was a couple years back, every letter looked the same. It’s funny looking back to shit like that. Back then I had this idea of what I would be like nowadays. That version of me was never given a chance at life. Or maybe I just didn’t give him that chance. I know I do what I want in life, so I know I’ll get what I deserve eventually. I could have made more changes and became a better person, but I didn’t and thats on me. I think I have an idea of who you similar to that version of me. The only difference is that yours is how I see you all the time. Maybe that’s not a bad thing, it you be more like what you could be, instead of just focusing on the mistakes you’ve made. Then again, it feels so real so maybe it is who you really are. I talk about you so much and I’ve built you up into this perfect person, and obviously no one is perfect, but I think you deserve all the praise I give you. Even if we can’t always work it out, the perfect me and the perfect you probably could live pretty happily together. Then again, we’re the only version of us that exists right now so maybe we are the perfect versions of us. I honestly don’t know what I’m talking about, I hope you just enjoy these ramblings. You know, I always worry these won’t reach you and all this philosophizing would be for nothing. It wouldn’t matter though, I’m not saying anything of value. I guess I haven’t really said or done anything truly of value ever. Maybe that can change sometime.
BodysWell, fuck me I’m sorry, I really am. I never can say what I actually mean can I? I didn’t mean writing these letters wasn’t of value. I don't know what I meant if I’m being honest. I hate having to explain my feelings for you, I wish I could just hold you right now so that you’d know how I felt. All the ways I know to show affection don’t translate to you, and that’s not your fault or mine. Everyone has different ways of saying “I love you.” I don’t just say it enough and that’s probably the reason you doubt it. It seems that every other couple I see has their methods of showing their love in ways that the other can understand. It sounds stupid, but it reminds me of high school prom. All these people are together dancing with their partner in every way imaginable, and I’m standing in the corner nervous out of my mind with some alcohol I stole watching you wait for me. I’d love to be there with you but I can hardly control my own movements, so how the hell am I supposed to move with you. So like I did back then, instead of giving it a shot, I just stay back with whatever drug I’m using to try to help my anxiety. It’s so fuckin dumb cause I know that whatever is causing my anxiety shouldn’t be important at all. After this life there’s nothing so who gives a shit. Maybe that’s the exact reason why these things are all that matters. I’m not sure why I have a hard time showing I love you. All that matters are the people who we love and who love us back so…fuck it right? We’re in the prime of our lives and I want to be with you. Anything in this crazy world could just kill us at anytime, and that terrifies me. I want to show you I care as much as I can before the worst even has a chance to happen. It probably won’t be easy at first for me. Maybe we could just, stay together next time we see each other instead of going out with all our friends. And then, we can redo that prom night in my bedroom or yours. I won’t be able to mess up my words cause I won’t be saying anything. We can dance to something slow, just me and you in my room, holding each other. I’d really like that.
Cute ThingWow. I mean that’s all I need to say. Last week was incredible but also holy shit I did not realize that I could get that sappy. I mean damn it sounded like I was quoting some cheesy rom-com. Next time I see you I’ll calm down on that and do something more cool instead. Like you could pull out a cigarette and go to light it and I’ll have mine lit up and you’ll put yours in your mouth and I’ll light yours with mine in my mouth and I’ll look hot. Shit, I’m still being sappy. It’s not my fault, you’re just so damn lovable. Just promise me you won’t dump me if I keep being this cliche. I really wish I could be this and so much more for you all the time, cause you deserve it all. I dream of being this perfect boyfriend who would bring you flowers and chocolate everyday but I wouldn’t be dumb either and I’d help you with all your problems in life. Shit, I’m gonna jump into a car if I don’t stop being so mushy. Give me a chance and I’ll be cool for you eventually. We can do all sorts of party drugs together and have a real good time. Actually, on second thought let's just stay sober and mess around. We’re both hotter when we’re healthy and sober. Give me a little bit of time and I’ll be that perfect man for you. The old me is gonna be dead and I’m gonna turn into someone that everyone wants to look at and say “Hey, that’s a cool guy right there.” Or something like that. I know I talked a lot about youth and just having fun in the last letter, but being with you again even for the short amount of time made me feel old. That sounds weird but I mean that in the best way possible. I’m ready to settle down soon. With you. I’m ready to settle down with you. I just, I love you, a lot. You’re one of the few people who loves me for who I am, and I hope you know I love you for exactly who you are.
High To DeathI feel like a broken record. Here I am apologizing again. I’m sorry. I know I promised not to take to too much but I did, again. I’m a dumbs and I always regret my choices when I get high, most of the time its just being mad that I got high in the first place, but sometimes I start to regret other things. I thought I was fucking dying so I just started saying things. I didn’t mean them I swear. Sometimes you just say things you know? First the room started spinning and then I started feeling sick and I just wanted it to end and I took it out on you. Listen, I’ll do whatever it takes to fix things. It’s hypocritical to ask you to stop smoking when what I do is just as damaging, so I’ll stop. Just do anything you want as long as it helps us last. I just need us to last.
I feel like you want to leave.
I don’t mean to make this a pity plea, but I was so close to just taking the rest of the pills after you left. I don’t want to be high every moment until I die. I don’t want to have to use some external method to live my life. The only hell I’ll ever go to the one I create for myself with the stupid shit I do. The only part I hold to of what I said is that I want everything to stop. I don’t feel like myself. I need a break to figure my shit out. Not from us, just from life in general. You told me that you thought about leaving me. Do you really want to?I don’t feel like I’m even the same person I was when we met. You seem like the same person, just grown up. I don’t even recognize the person I saw in old pictures of us. That’s scary kinda. Maybe it should be freeing. Maybe it means I can change again and become better for you.
Famous Prophets (Stars)I’m sorry. This is probably the last time you hear that from me. I think it's obvious this isn’t gonna go anywhere good from this point on. Whatever was holding us together is gone, and it hurts so much. Everything we went through feels fucking pointless. I feel like I’m just gonna carry that idea I had of you with me for the rest of my life. I don’t know if I want you to do the same for me. I remember everything about you and now what do I do with it all? Was it all my fault? I’ve always heard that love can get through anything so maybe it wasn’t love that we had. Maybe we both just wasted our time on broken people. I hope everyday isn’t gonna feel like this. I know we both still care, so I’m letting you know that I won’t do anything drastic or too harmful cause of this, so you better not either, you cant put me through that. I don’t mean that in any sort of rude way, I just know that you have your struggles and I don’t want this to make them worse.
My days are just routine now. I wake up and do only what I have to, then wait till the morning to repeat it all. I miss you.
Please don’t think too highly of me, I’m really not great at all. I know if I ever start dating again I’ll be comparing them to you, I don’t want that for you. That sounds so fucking pretentious, I hope you get what I mean. Don’t fall back into your old habit of thinking everything is over when one thing ends. Whatever you do, don’t ruin my memory with how it ended. I know it's be hard, but we both agreed on this and maybe one day we can be friends. I loved everything about you, I still do. I’m worried that as time goes on, I won’t be able to let go. I think all the memories will keep flooding my mind. Maybe that was a little premature. With enough time I can probably move on. Or we could get back together. Maybe this is the wrong choice. I’m honestly not sure what I want to happen. I don’t think any of it was a waste of time. I’ve seen myself in new ways and I wouldn’t change this experience for anything. It hurt a lot, but it was all worth it. I became a new person, after all was said and done, after all that we went through, all thats left is us. Twin Fantasy (Those Boys)Hey, it's been awhile. I know I haven’t wrote back in a bit and I’m not going to apologize for that, I think it was good for both of us. Sitting here, penning this letter is oddly painful. Every reminder of what we were is painful, but probably not in the way you think. I still care for you, though admittedly not in the same way I used to. I think we both made mistakes when we were together, but I’m not mad at you and I hope you aren’t still upset at me. It’s kinda strange how those versions of us live on through old letters. Have you heard of the Greek myth of soulmates? They say that when humans were created, we had two heads and two sets of arms and legs. Zeus was afraid of these creatures so he split them up into what we know today as humans. From that point on, every person has been searching for their other half, longing to get as close as possible to being one. This other person completes them in every way, mirrors everything that they are. Kinda stupid I know but let me get to the point: I’ve always been looking for someone who completes me and I always try to make the person I’m with into that. We fit together so well, I thought you were that perfect person and when you weren’t I tried to force it. I don’t want to make this too long or too sentimental. This is just a letter after all, by the time this gets to you, I’ll probably have changed my mind on some of the things I said. Anything can happen from here. I’m gonna end this in a sec, I don’t think anything I have anything else of importance to say. When you finish this I hope you’ll celebrate who we were together and who we’ve become separated. I’m leaving these memories and this previous life I’ve lived in the past now. If I ever need them again, or if I ever need to remember you again I’ll look for our letters.